How to Support Someone Who is Grieving

Here you'll find practical guidance for supporting friends and family.

Key points:

Grief looks different for everyone; there is no timeline.
You don’t need the right words, your presence matters more than your words.
It’s okay to feel unsure or uncomfortable when supporting others, show up anyway (imperfectly, awkwardly and honestly!)

Initial support (early days)

In the initial hours or days following a death, the person may not know what they need. In this initial period, focus on acknowledging the loss in some way, and providing practical or emotional support, depending on the nature of your relationship to the person. The key thing here is to do something. Even if you’re not sure what to do, find a way to acknowledge the loss.

Reach out in some way. Grief needs to be acknowledged. Whether you send a message, give a physical gift, or visit, something is better than silence. Leave a meal or a bag of groceries on the doorstep and text to say you’ve done so. Send a gift through The Grief Shop. Do something.
Use the person’s name. Don’t be afraid to talk about the person who has died, including sharing memories.
Offer specific and practical help (meals, childcare, petcare, errands, transport). Being proactive with “Would it help if I…” trumps “Let me know if you need anything”.
Listen more than you speak.
Support people to grieve/react however they are. Some people will naturally express their grief through talking and crying. Others, will process their grief cognitively and through doing physical tasks. All ways of grieving are valid and okay.
Accept whatever response you receive; tears, anger, numbness, or nothing at all.
Let them repeat stories about or memories of the person who died, as this can help them process what happened.
If there are children or young people around, acknowledge their grief too (so often, young people are ‘invisible’ in their grief)

Avoid

Trying to fix, explain, or find meaning in the loss
Saying things like “They’re in a better place” or “At least…”
Comparing their grief to someone else’s, including your own “I know how you feel” or “I remember when I lost…” Keep the focus on the person’s experience.
Expecting gratitude or emotional energy in return
Don’t expect people to grieve in a particular way. Comments like “You need to talk about it”, “You need to cry, get it all out” or “Don’t cry”, make people wrong for grieving their own unique way.
References to “being strong”
Disappearing because you’re worried about “saying the wrong thing”. Your presence and support can make a real difference.
Posting anything online until the whānau have shared first.

"I didn’t need anyone to make it better. I just needed someone to be with me as I fell apart. I didn’t want to be alone." - Anonymous

Ongoing support (weeks, months, years)

Keep checking in. While grief changes, it doesn’t go away. This means the need for support will be ongoing (much longer than most people realise).
Ongoing support should be based on what the person most needs; their actual, rather than assumed needs. No one likes support being ‘done to them’, think of it as something we ‘do with them’. This is key to ensuring support is empowering, rather than disempowering. It’s perfectly okay to ask “what do you most need right now?” or to offer to do specific things to help them. This approach gives the person ‘voice and choice’, allowing them to regain a sense of control, within the chaos of what has happened. [NB this works for ongoing support, not initial support. It can be unrealistic to expect a person to know what they most need in the initial hours or days after someone they care about has died].
Consider diarising reminders to contact the person you are supporting; prompts to send a thoughtful text or reach out by phone. When life gets busy, it can be easy for our support of others to fall off. Noting this in your diary will help ensure you remain consistent.
Remember and acknowledge important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays). It can be as simple as texting “Thinking of you, today especially”.
Be patient with changes in mood, energy, or availability. Continue inviting them, even if they often say no.
Trust that if the person wants advice, they will ask. Until they do, keep your views to yourself. Grief needs to be acknowledged, witnessed and supported; unsolicited advice is rarely helpful, no matter how long it has been.
Continue to talk about the person who died by name, and to share positive memories.

“It’s been 12 months now. Having someone say their name and share memories, feels good. It helps knowing others remember him too.” - Anonymous

If you are worried about someone

If you are supporting someone and you notice signs they may be struggling more deeply (withdrawal, hopelessness, risk-taking, feeling like a burden), don’t ignore this. While most people are able to navigate loss, without the need for specialised help, some experience complicated grief and need extra support, and that’s okay.
Encourage additional support gently. Ask if they have thought about counselling/attending support groups/seeing their GP
Stay connected even if they don’t engage much.
If you’re worried they might be thinking of ending their life, directly ask “Are you thinking about suicide?” and if they are, help them connect to the right help. Refer to the 'Accessing Grief Support' page for crisis support contact information.

Take care of yourself too

Supporting someone who is grieving can be emotionally demanding. You’ve likely aware of the saying “You can’t give from an empty vessel.”. Make sure you’re taking care of your own needs, too.
You don’t have to do everything. Consistency matters more than intensity. Checking-in regularly, is enough.
It’s okay to ask for guidance or support for yourself.